A Heavy Situation

Dear Abbey,
I recently met a very nice man on the Internet and have had two dinner dates with him. The second date included a visit to his apartment, where we sat on the sofa and kissed (no sex).The problem is that he's a large man. He wears loose and baggy clothes, so I really did not know how big he was until we got close on the sofa.I'm attracted to his personality and face, but not his body. He is so sweet and sensitive that I do not know how to approach him about this. I would love to go out with him if he weighed about 75 pounds less, but I do not feel a sexual chemistry at this time.Any advice you might have would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,Weighed Down With a Heavy Burden

Dear Weighed-Down Sir,
It seems to me that you have two clear choices: You can put the brakes on further romantic developments with this man (a lack of sexual chemistry is one sign that this may not be a good love match), or you can decide that you like him enough to let the relationship progress (sometimes, sexual chemistry does catch up to affection).

If and when you two develop a serious, intimate relationship, then you are within your rights to suggest, ever so gently, some lifestyle changes. As of yet, you have not earned the right to brutal honesty.

He knows how much he weighs, and he's either trying to change it or looking for someone who will love him as he is. There simply is no proper way to tell someone you're casually dating that you will continue dating him only if he loses 75 pounds. That would be what we in the etiquette biz call "a nasty insult."

If you were to say something like that, in fact, this fellow would have my permission to pull a Joan Collins -- that is, to toss the contents of the nearest cocktail glass squarely in your face (a gesture I almost never allow) -- and then turn his cold shoulder in your direction forevermore.